toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
