Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
