she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
