hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
