Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
