it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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