i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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