i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
