I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
