My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
