The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
