Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
