Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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