so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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