have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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