Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
