he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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