I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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