So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
