just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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