My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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