Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
