you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
