i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
