HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My vagina just recognized that song.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
