So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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