we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
