hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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