How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize