You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
