Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
