Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am available for nakedness
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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