My underwear smells like fireworks.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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