the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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