And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
