My balls are so social today.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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