apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
