First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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