You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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