the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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