I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I want is dick and wine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
