just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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