he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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