i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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