i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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