no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
