the condom got lost in my hair
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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