I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
