We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
