So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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