Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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