four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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