Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
