I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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