Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
barbara walters just said penis...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize